When I start to go downhill it happens fast, depression has hit me again and it’s hit me hard. I’ve gone back down the rabbit hole and I don’t know how to climb out. The trigger has been a prolonged flare up, well actually I’ve been on and off flare up since September when I started college, and it’s just got on top of me. That combined with stress from college and me beginning to realise that maybe education might just not be right for me and my pain. But then I don’t know what else is right for me, or how I would cope with something different, and I feel like I have no future because of it. I have spent the day constantly in and out of tears, I just can’t seem to stop them from occurring, it takes a lot for me to cry, so clearly this is all too much for me at the minute. And I’m so angry at the pain, at the world, at how the pain ruins everything in my life, at how unfair this is, at how I can’t be fixed, at how I’m probably going to be in pain for the rest of my life.
I know I’m weak because I let the pain and depression it brings overrule all my acceptance, all the work I’ve done. I’m weak for getting myself into such a state that I can’t stop crying, I know that, but knowing that only makes me feel worse, it only makes me feel like a failure, which I know I am.