After having some time to reflect.

I have been so absent from here recently, it has been a difficult few weeks with a lot going on and a lot of thoughts going through my head. Sorry for the lack of posts but am hoping to be back blogging more frequently again now.
I have had some time to reflect this week and really think deeply about what I am going to do. I don’t think university will be right for me I think it will be detrimental to my health both physical and mental, someone I care about and value their opinion told me today that what would be the point in a degree if I end up dead. Blunt, but true. So that brings up the question of what do I do instead and this has really been getting to me as I feel like I have to do something meaningful and I feel like I need to be working towards something.
I am currently in Dubai and on the flight here I really had some time to think about everything. I feel like I need some time out of everything, time to focus on getting my pain under control naturally again, time to get consistently stable with my health, time to work on my acceptance. I have had periods of being stable and okay over the past year, so I know it is possible as long as I put the work in. The problem is that they have been short lived and I feel like I need to get it so that I am consistently feeling okay before I move on and do something with my life. I feel like I will be unable to move forward with a job and a career unless everything else is under control, and if it is not then I know I will not succeed in what I want to do. So I am going to spend some time however long I need to do this, maybe even up to a year, whatever it takes to reach my goals in managing my pain and stability. Putting into practice everything I have learnt, making it a routine and sticking to it consistently.
After that I might look at slowly introducing some other stuff as well as my pain management, maybe some volunteering to get some life experience and then maybe a counselling course to become a counsellor.
Being in Dubai, today I saw my favourite person; my old school counsellor. I discussed all of this with her, she probably knows me best in the world and always understands my feelings about the pain. She agreed that I need some time to get myself sorted before starting anything again.
I will not be returning to college next year to finish my course, and therefore will not be going to university for now. Instead I will be focusing on getting back the good place I have been in before however have not managed to stay there consistently, but I will get back there with time, work and effort and hopefully I will manage to stay stable indefinitely. And then I can start to move forward towards what I ultimately want to achieve from my life, but my pain management techniques along with my acceptance have to be made a priority in my life, above all else – this is what I have failed at before and I need to work to succeed in this for the sake of my health and well-being.

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4 thoughts on “After having some time to reflect.

  1. You give me hope, You are one strong woman. I’m on my first year with living Ndph and I’m really having a hard time really hard this week my flare up is a 10 i sat and cried in my bathroom for 4 hours and didnt move i dont know what to do anyone im lost i dont have anyone to talk to about it, no one understands me. My depression is getting really bad i see no hope for me i feel so hopeless. My doctor cant help me anymore he said after the third one. Ive been on 6 different meds nothing works. My career is over and i just finished school that was a struggle and a half i almost didnt make it. I see no light of the the end of tunnel all i see is dark its very dark 😦

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