Been having a tough time recently with everything – writing has kind of taken a back burner in my misery. It’s hard at home at the minute as well because I have such conflicting emotions. My sister got her A level exam results on Thursday where she got 3 A*s and got into her top university, and I am so proud of her and happy for her, but at the same time it brings up so many negative emotions in me about my life and how I feel. I’ve been trying to keep it all in and not let anyone see how bad I am feeling because I don’t want to be accused of everything always being about me however my psychologist says I need to let it all out and let myself feel what i am feeling. Which is hard when you don’t want to rain on someones parade of amazing exam results with a bright future ahead of her. But I don’t have any of that, I don’t have a bright future because I am sick and that’s not going to change. Every dream I have ever had has been ripped away by my illness, it’s unlikely I will ever be able to support myself and be fully independent. I have no life, no education, no friends, no prospects of getting anywhere. So what even is the point?!
I have been absent again; sorry for that but at the minute I am having a hard time to do anything or keep up with anything. Between my headache and the issues I have been having with my heart and not knowing what on earth I am doing with my life, I am finding it difficult to keep my head above the water, or in other terms I am slipping back into depression, yet again. Writing posts at the minute is making me emotional which I am trying to avoid, I know that often it helps int the long run but at the minute every time I try to write a blog post I end up in tears, thus making the pain worse.
I feel like every dream I have ever had has been ripped away because of my illness, and it is so difficult for me to watch everyone around me have lives, friends, education, jobs and I have none of that. My life is pain, I have no proper friends my own age, I can’t survive education, I can’t get a full time job, I can’t support myself and I don’t know if I ever will be able to. All of that just in turn makes me depressed, it makes me angry and jealous at life and everyone around me. I know that no ones life is perfect but the majority of people don’t have illness holding them back from anything and everything they want to do. All my dreams have been destroyed and I don’t know what I am doing or where I am going with my life, I feel like I have no life because well I don’t really, I’m 21 and I have pretty much zero friends my own age, I spend half my time in bed either in pain or depressed or both, and I have no direction with no indication that things will ever improve for me. I feel like I am never going to be independent, because with my pain the way it is I can’t even hope to hold down a full time job, it would be impossible, therefore I am stuck living off my parents for the foreseeable future.
I don’t think words can fully describe how stuck and trapped my illness makes me feel, how angry I am at everything, and how difficult it is to watch everyone around you move on when you are left behind and trapped in a body of pain with no escape button.