Conflicting emotions.

Been having a tough time recently with everything – writing has kind of taken a back burner in my misery. It’s hard at home at the minute as well because I have such conflicting emotions. My sister got her A level exam results on Thursday where she got 3 A*s and got into her top university, and I am so proud of her and happy for her, but at the same time it brings up so many negative emotions in me about my life and how I feel. I’ve been trying to keep it all in and not let anyone see how bad I am feeling because I don’t want to be accused of everything always being about me however my psychologist says I need to let it all out and let myself feel what i am feeling. Which is hard when you don’t want to rain on someones parade of amazing exam results with a bright future ahead of her. But I don’t have any of that, I don’t have a bright future because I am sick and that’s not going to change. Every dream I have ever had has been ripped away by my illness, it’s unlikely I will ever be able to support myself and be fully independent. I have no life, no education, no friends, no prospects of getting anywhere. So what even is the point?!

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5 thoughts on “Conflicting emotions.

  1. Chronic illness is a life changer, that’s for sure. All of a sudden, future plans are altered and daily life is painful and confusing. Some days are harder than other days. Although sometimes it is more like weeks are harder, or months are harder. People in your life will move at a faster pace and they seem to have things figured out, or like they don’t struggle. I hate feeling that pressure, and that jealousy. That’s why I turned to blogging, to find others who are going through this too. I’m 28 and I’ve been dealing with chronic illness (migraines, in my case) since I was 14. I still don’t have it figured out. I just try to appreciate the good moments… and the fact that I’ve survived this long. 🙂
    -Kelly

  2. I am in the same situation. I ask myself the same questions. I just hope that in time we might have a cure or better management for our illness and we can do the things we have missed out on. It sucks and I’m always around if you need a chat. I too have missed a lot of your everyday things for ten months now! 😦
    xx sending love

  3. Hey! I know exactly how you feel. I understand how you are happy for someone else yet have no idea what your future holds due ti your chronic pain. It makes me jealous of others without chronic pain because they have freedom to achieve goals without having to worry about pain interferences. I have had my chronic headache for almost 4 years and tried everything imaginable with no relief. Seeing people achieving their goals makes me feel left behind. I also don’t have much sympathy for people with temporary headaches. I’m like try haing one for years. So, I just wanted you to know, you are not alone. It’s hard when people say “Keep trying even in pain” and I’m thinking “Imagine getting anything done in life when It feels like someone jabbed a knife and left it there.” I understand your frustration.

  4. Hello
    I have been reading your blog for about a year now and it has been a very rough and emotional year for myself. I had a great life and a great future and at the age of 32 I was so healthy and fit and developed NDPH one day. I didn’t believe there was such a thing as a headache that doesn’t go away but blimey there is such a thing. I have been to a very dark places and like yourself I didn’t see the point of the life. I researched and spent the past year living a life of managing my pain,avoiding triggers and trying to continue to work.
    My reason for sending you this message is that having this illness sucks so badly no one besides a mother can actually understand what we go through. Being jealous of friends and family and actually anyone who is pain free is not the way to go about dealing with this. I’m not sure if u have ever seen Dr Goadsby but he is an amazing NDPH specialists and has had success with people who suffer like us. He is positive and very certain people don’t live with this forever and u know what even though u think u will b like this forever u somehow have to think that it will go away
    I’m not sure if mine will ever go away but I have to have faith and hope that my body will change and heal and I will get better.
    And u do have a life u have to choose a different route for now until u find the right one and it’s out there.
    I lost my job because of this and it made me freak out but if I’m honest it was the best thing to happen to me. I am fortunate to have a great mother, an amazing boyfriend who doesn’t understand a thing about NDPH but knows I have limits and a hope and belief that one day it will go away or they will find a treatment to help with our symptoms
    But self pity and depression as hard as it is to not do, does not make this thing any less painful.
    I live in the UK in Kent and I know how crap this thing is but u have to fight it and fight the depression and keeping hopeful because it won’t be this way forever

    • I’m so sorry I haven’t replied sooner, the notification didn’t come up on my phone and I had taken a little break from blogging, so haven’t been on here.
      I’m sorry to hear you suffer from NDPH too, but I’m glad you have some supportive people around you.
      I haven’t seen Dr Goadsby, but I see Dr Matharu at National hospital of neurology and neurosugery in London, and I believe he works closely with Dr Goadsby too. But unfortunately I’ve reached the end of treatment and am now waiting ONS surgery to be approved but I’ve been waiting on hold for 2 years.
      I live near Bournemouth in Dorset.
      I’m glad you are still hopeful, I have difficulty with that and a tendency to head towards depression, but I will try to keep up the fight.
      Feel free to email me if you ever need someone to talk to who understands.
      Wishing you a low pain day 🙂

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