It’s been 3 years…

Today marks 3 years since the suicide attempt that nearly killed me. It was my third attempt that week, though the first two were more like practice runs to gauge how much medication I needed to take. I had prepared for that day for months, I had spent hours on a suicide note, wanting my last words to be exactly right, everything was ready and I was ready to die.

My memory of it is fuzzy, I remember only brief flashbacks. I don’t even remember getting all the medication out the packet and taking it, the first thing I remember is being slapped in the face in the car by my mum to try and keep me awake on the way to the hospital. I remember a Muslim porter at the hospital praying over me in the lift as I was taken to intensive care. And the next thing I remember is waking up to see my school counsellor at my bedside, the first thing I said to her with tears streaming down my face was ‘why am I alive?’

The pain had pushed me to the edge and then it pushed me off, I felt like there was no other way out, I felt like I had no choice. If I wanted to get rid of the pain my only option was to die and that seemed like the best option for me.

Since that day 3 years ago it hasn’t been easy, I try to keep my head above the water however sometimes I start to drown in the negativity I am so prone to. Though there has been periods of time since moving back to England 2 and a half years ago that I have felt mostly okay despite pain, that I have felt happy despite pain, that I have felt able to cope. So I know it is possible and I just have to keep working on it constantly and try not to drown in darkness that is sometimes oh so comfortable.

My journey with my never ending headache has been hard it’s been over 5 and a half years now and it’s unlikely that I will get better. But I have survived this far and I don’t want my headache to win, because I know I can be happy despite it so I will keep fighting for that.

I will leave you with my favourite quote which helps ground me on bad days:
On particularly rough days when I am sure I can’t possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100%, and that’s pretty good.

Life crisis at 21.

I have recently been in the mist of a life crisis at aged 21, the trigger being having had to drop out of college and realising that my dream of going to university was just not going to happen because of the pain. It was made worse by the fact my younger sister is heading off to university this month, obviously the way I feel is not her fault, but it just makes me feel a bit rubbish that she can do something I can only dream of. I have been struggling to find my way, unsure of what to do with my life, unsure of what I want, not knowing what I can cope with and having next to no qualifications definitely doesn’t help either. It made me feel very depressed, I am the sort of person that needs a plan and if I don’t have somewhat of a life plan I tend to go a bit downhill to say the least, so that is what happened.

If you read my blog regularly you will know I do Tae Kwon-Do, have been training since I was 8 and a black belt since I was 13. It is the only thing that has ever helped my pain, and not only that, I love it more than anything. In June I took part 1 of the instructors course and qualified as an assistant instructor. To become a fully qualified instructor and be able to set up your own school you have to submit a business plan, get invited to part 2 of the course and pass the written and practical test which is happening in November. For ages I put off doing my business plan unsure if being an instructor was what I wanted for my life. I bounce between feeling like it is something I really want to do and also feeling trapped because I feel like it is the only thing I can do and it is what everyone I know expects me to do. Two side of me have been torn, I love Tae Kwon-Do, both training and teaching, but being an instructor was never my dream, so that has sent me into a bit of a crisis as well.

At the minute I am in the phase of wanting to be an instructor, I am working on my business plan which is due soon and then I will hopefully have the instructors part 2 course in November. I am hoping to combine some teaching Tae Kwon-Do classes with maybe a part time job or some volunteering during the day to keep me busy. I am hoping this phase will stick as it is really exhausting jumping in and out of not knowing what I want to do and breaking down because of it.

For the past 2 years since I’ve been back in England I have been training to take my 2nd Dan black belt grading, I’ve been on courses, special training sessions and to competitions in order to qualify for this grading and I’ve been training hard at the club I go to as well. I finally had my pre grading in Bristol on Sunday and it went really well and I passed, now I have a months more of hard training and then the grading which fingers crossed I will pass. I have also got a competition between now and then too. So that is some good news, and hopefully I will have more good news in a months time when fingers crossed I pass my actual grading!

Darkness.

I have a tendency to head towards the darkness, to see the negative side of everything. I get to a good place and the slightest little thing will send me spiraling down into the darkness again, and once I have started heading that way I have difficulty trying to escape. I don’t know why I am this way but sometimes the darkness is easier, sometimes it’s comfortable, sometimes it’s just easier to hide here than to put myself out there where I feel that I will only get knocked back down again anyway.

I want so badly to be strong, to conquer the darkness for good, to be a success story, an inspiration, someone who can be looked up to. But at the minute I’m not that person, I see myself as weak, as a failure, I let depression get the best of me and I don’t know how to stop this from happening, to stop the darkness from taking over, again and again. I struggle to write a blog post now because I feel like I have let everyone down because I let the darkness get the best of me.