It’s been a while, yet again.

I haven’t posted in a while, for a number of reasons, I had been doing okay and I decided I needed to take a break from blogging and focus on solely being okay. I did have a boyfriend but that ended unfortunately, I had, well have a job but the pain has been difficult. So much so that I have recently had to take quite a while off to try and recover from the horrific pain levels that it gives me. So is safe to say that it hasn’t been going great. Going to work with horrific pain levels is just awful, I sit at my desk feeling like my head is about to cave in, that my brain is being crushed or I am being stabbed in the head, and I just want the world swallow me up whole.

On a positive yet scary note I’m getting surgery soon, I don’t have a date yet but I have a psych evaluation and an appointment with the neurosurgeon next week and beyond that it will only be a matter of weeks till my surgery date; this is the ONS surgery I’ve been waiting 3 years for. I hope with all my heart that it works, it’s not a cure but it could be the next best thing. Obviously I am quite scared it won’t help and give me the relief it is meant to and that is playing on my mind a bit. I am scared of it working and what I will do my life if I am in less pain, and I am scared of it not working and me finding I can’t really do the job path I am currently in with this level of pain, which is proving to be quite difficult at the minute. What will I do then?

I’ve been quite lonely recently, it’s hard when you don’t really have any friends to talk to. Going through life with no friends is really quite difficult, I don’t know what I do wrong I don’t know why I find it so hard. But having no one is beyond horrible all I just want is one person to stick by me that’s my age and wants to be my friend. But there isn’t anyone and it tears me up inside and makes me feel like I’m just not worth being friends with, that no one likes me enough to stick by me, that maybe I’m just a horrible person. I just don’t have anyone, of course I have my family but that is really not the same. Is it too much to ask for to just have someone?!

I don’t want to give a time frame of when I will post next because that might not be the case, and I am sorry if I haven’t replied to comments or emails recently as I just haven’t checked them.I hope to post again soon and keep you updated with the surgery process.

So for now I will say bye, I hope to write again soon and I wish you all a low pain day.

 

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