So seeing as we are nearing 2017 I’m going to take some time to reflect on this year.
Some say you start as you mean to go on and I started 2016 led in bed in a world of headache pain, so severe I could not move. I was at my now ex boyfriends house spending New Year at his and it was the first time since we got together a couple of months previously that he had seen me in such agony (I had managed not to let him see it up until this point); and to be honest it didn’t go down well. From there my relationship with him was a complete disaster, he completely checked out of it and I eventually got fed up with being cast aside and the complete lack or willingness to understand any of what I go through. A couple of months later I broke it off, only to find out a week or so later he was cheating on me anyway with a work colleague and was now in a relationship with said person. I wasn’t particularly sad that our relationship had ended, I was more sad at the prospect nobody ever wanting to be with me because of my illness, that I could never be loved or worthy of someone wanting to be there for me through all the pain, that I am not worth the effort.
From about mid November last year I started an apprenticeship at a local doctors surgery doing business admin and a bit of reception duty as well. The job was okay, well actually it was easy, the people were nice though the turn over of staff was high; people working there were unhappy for one reason or another. I did a lot of higher level admin, but I always wanted more, I wasn’t enthused about my job, to me there wasn’t any meaning for me, I was a person in an office when really I’d love to be the GP seeing the patients. Don’t get me wrong, a doctors surgery would not function without all the people in the office upstairs but it just wasn’t what I wanted to do with my life and wasn’t meaningful enough for me. Anyway I was off sick more than I was there, management were understanding and supportive but at the beginning of April I resigned. It was too much the pain was too much, the concentrating, the stress, the whole thing just made my pain levels sky rocket to become unmanageable. I was upset but it wasn’t really to do with upset of leaving the job it was more upset at, well there’s another thing in life I have failed at, let’s just add that to Sian’s big long list of failures.
It wasn’t long after that till the surgery process got fully underway, psych evals, meetings with my neuro and surgeon, followed by more psych care etc etc. But then one day in July I got the call with the surgery date. After that I just felt like I was in limbo, waiting for the 29th September to come, a day that could change my life for the better, or now as we know it, worse. Surgery came and went and I’m still in a great deal of pain as you all know.
I wish I had some sort of life plan or even just some life goals of what I want to do with my life, but the truth is I really don’t have a clue because I don’t know what I am able to do or even what I would be good at. I’m someone with zero qualifications and next to no formal experience, then you add in pain and that makes the whole situation even harder. I’m the sort of person that likes to plan things, I write copious amounts of lists and the thought of something so big like my future being so unknown and unstable scares me and makes me incredibly anxious. I just want what ever I end up doing to have some sort of meaning to me, I want it to matter, I don’t want just some random job. Not that I’m even well enough to work at the minute. I’ve tried so god damn hard over the past 2 years to be a functioning member of society, I tried college – headache did not like that at all, I’ve tried a part time job – headache did not like that either, I’ve tried a full time apprenticeship/job – headache definitely did not like that one! I don’t know what more I can try, everything I do try just makes me fall apart with pain.
So there is the three main sections of what has gone on with my this year. This year is the 7th year I’ve had my headache with the anniversary looming on the 14th of January. Every year brings me new issues and challenges dealing with pain in my life, I’d love to tell you that each year gets easier, when really they’ve all been difficult in different ways. I’ve had a lot of lows this year at the minute is one of them, but I’m trying so hard to hold myself together, maybe 2017 will bring me more luck, ha!
The never ending headache – Sian