I feel defeated by my body.

Why does my body not work properly? How did I get so unlucky to have so many things wrong with it? Will I ever catch a break? Will I ever get any better?

These are questions at the minute I ask myself daily, I just feel defeated and worn down to the ground.I have an appointment booked with my GP on Friday and then on Monday I have an appointment with a immunologist. The 18 different extra symptoms I’ve been dealing with for over a year could be explained by a histamine intolerance/Mast Cell Activation Disorder, and they’ve been getting progressively worse. My neuro wants me to start some meds for it but I’d like it investigated further before starting any treatment which could mean any tests done for it would be inaccurate if I had already started the treatment. So hence the immunologist appointment on Monday. Hopefully it will go okay and might make me feel a little better about the whole thing but at the minute I’m still feeling distraught that there is probably yet another thing wrong with me.

My stimulator is being turned back on for Burst programming on the 24th of March, I’m not feeling too optimistic that it will be any better than the standard Tonic programming of before, but I’ll just have to see.

In other news in 23 days time it’s my birthday and I will be 23 years old, it doesn’t fill me with joy, instead it fills me with sadness. I’m going to be another year older yet I’m still no better, if not worse than I was when I was 15 and this all started. I’ll be another year older yet I have not achieved anything I’ve wanted to, I’ll probably never be able to hold down a job, I’ll probably never move out of my parents, probably never have a relationship or a family. All because I’m sick, all because of my stupid never ending headache which I loathe so much. So I ask you, what is the point? I just feel so unbelievably defeated by everything at the minute that I don’t know what to do anymore.

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One thought on “I feel defeated by my body.

  1. I’m so sorry you feel this way, but I can tell you I know exactly what you mean. I have been there, multiple times, in the last 20 years. I have felt defeated, I have wondered why? I have wanted to give up, and I’ve had no hope for the future.
    All I can tell you is that you are way stronger than you give yourself credit for. Life is extremely difficult with a constant headache and all the other pain you have, but it is super important for you to find something that can give you joy. Find something you enjoy doing, and do it as often as you can. DO NOT ALLOW THE PAIN TO WIN! You are worthy off happiness, you deserve to live your life to the fullest. Fuck the pain! (Excuse my French) I mean it though, I promise you that you – when you’re starting to accept your condition, without asking the “why?”- will feel relieved. There really isn’t an answer to your question. You’re not being punished for something you did or didn’t do in your past… shit happens… that’s the only reason…

    Please know that I’m here. I will listen…read… you can email me, text me (I’ll email you my number if you want). You are not alone. ❤

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