This isn’t me – final blog post…

My blog or what use to be a blog that contained a significant amount of posts spanning the past 5 years this blogs been running is now pretty much a shell that only includes this post and the pages. And this is why:

For a long time I’ve been having a love hate relationship with this blog which is why I don’t post very often, and when I do it’s mostly only due to the fact that I feel I am almost required to write something because I haven’t for a long time and not because I actually want to.
For a long time I’ve felt like this blog does not really correspond with what I’m actually like as a person, I feel like it shows the worst bits of me and highlights them. I feel like it’s often quite negative and I’m not even a negative person really, I’m actually quite upbeat and even in some of my darkest most depressed times in the past I’m not completely negative. I’ve got a good sense of humour and I actually like to spend most of my time laughing – I truly believe that often it is the best medicine you can come by. I’m quite sarcastic and I like a good laugh and joke.
My doctors seem to view me in a way that I didn’t even view myself, two of my doctors both individually have said to me that it’s good I’m always positive and that I laugh a lot – to be honest it actually shocked me to hear them say that, I did wonder if they had got me mixed up with some other patient but given the fact I’ve seen them both a heck of a lot since 2011 I highly doubt that is the case. Maybe people that have read this blog don’t view me as being negative and I’ve always said that I hope it is more realistic about my experiences rather than just downright negative, I wouldn’t describe myself as a completely positive person either though, but relatively balanced maybe?

I know this only shows a snapshot of my life and mainly my life to do with my never ending headache as this is what this blog has always been about. But the past few years I haven’t even posted that much because I feel that I unintentionally come across as someone I’m not, as someone who’s negative, anxious and always miserable. When really I’m actually quite level headed, I’m not always miserable and I actually haven’t been depressed in quite some time, I’ve been mentally stable for quite a while now. I’m not a particularly emotional person or an overly anxious person – I have certain situations where some anxiety is triggered but who doesn’t but anxiety is something that use to be more of a problem years ago, but not now. Yes I’ve suffered badly from depression due to the fact my head always bloody hurts but if you knew me in real life and didn’t know you wouldn’t have a clue – unless of course I’m wearing short sleeves and then it’s pretty obvious I’ve had some mental health struggles.
I’ve recently discovered that I’m actually quite funny as well, not something I’d realised I was but apparently I am. I’ve also finally admitted to myself that actually I am relatively clever, I kind of always knew that but it’s actually easier to convince yourself your not clever than know you are, but know that because your head always hurts you can never do anything with it. I’m also incredibly understanding, easy to talk to and get on with and I’m probably a bit too nice and easy going and I hardly ever complain about things.
I hate confrontation, any sort of bad vibes or unpleasant tension as I’m actually quite a calm and chilled out person.
But I do not believe that I come across this way on here and I feel that this blog does not do me justice as a person. This has created an almost dislike for my blog and has left me wondering for quite some time that maybe it’s time to let it go, to cut ties with it. The fact that I feel like this about it makes me feel a bit stressed, the self imposed pressure of I should be regularly posting but I don’t really want to or even feel that I need to write about my headache in the way I have since I started this blog a fair few years ago now.¬†Maybe I’m beyond sharing about my life with my headache with the Internet, maybe I don’t want to do that anymore and that’s why I hardly post. I no longer feel the personal need to be writing constantly about my never ending headache because emotionally I no longer need an outlet in this form, and the dislike I have for the way I feel that I come across on here frustrates me.

I’ve been pondering the question of whether or not to delete this blog or just to keep it here with this as the last and final post that will show. I think I will feel bad if I delete it as I know that the fact this blog about my headache exists has helped some people, some of which I’m now good friends with. But I think that possibly for me and how I feel about this blog and all the previous posts really not showing what I’m like as a person, that I need to delete it otherwise the fact that it’s still out there will continue to frustrate me and if I keep it active I will just continue to feel the way I do about it.

I came to the decision a compromise almost, to remove all previous posts from the public eye and to leave my blog with just this post and the pages which include my story and contact info etc etc. This gives me the option to come back if at some stage if I want to rather than just deleting it and all the history, I don’t know the answer to whether I ever will be back or not yet. But for the time being this is what I feel is right for me to do.
I need a break and not just a break where you don’t see me post for a while, as there has been a lot of unofficial breaks. I need like an proper break where I don’t feel guilty that I haven’t posted anything. For the time being this blog will remain inactive, maybe one day I’ll be back to blog more about my headache, but for the past couple of years my heart has just no longer been in blogging about my pain for the world to see.
I’m grateful for the outlet this blog gave me, for the safe space that I created for myself, how much it has helped me cope and be more open and I’m grateful for the friends I have made through it too. I do/did somewhat have a twitter account attached to this blog too, I now instead have a personal twitter account which I will be on instead.

I hope you can understand and maybe one day I’ll be back writing more about my life with my never ending headache.