5 years ago…

5 year ago today (30th September – is actually the 1st October now as I publish, oops!)  I was rushed to the hospital after a very large overdose. I was done, couldn’t do it anymore, I didn’t want to live in pain for the rest of my life, I just wanted it all to be over. It was a large overdose and I had a lot of other medications in my system too as they were my regular meds. I don’t know how long it was between taking the meds and falling unconscious, but I don’t think it was long. Most of the rest is a complete blur, my family found me, I don’t know how soon after it happened but I was in a bad way. They didn’t want to wait for an ambulance as often ambulances there would take forever to turn up, so they carried me down the stairs and into the back of the car. My Dad ran every red light to get to the hospital as fast as possible, my mum was sat in the back slapping my face to try and keep me awake. All I remember is being slapped and me telling her a few times to ‘fuck off and let me die’ before slipping unconscious again. From here I don’t remember much more just a couple of brief flashes in and out of consciousness. My t-shirt being ripped open in A&E, a porter praying over me in the elevator, a catheter being inserted. They put a tube down my nose for activated charcoal but don’t remember that bit at all. I was unconscious in the ICU for quite a while before I finally came to late the next day I think and then I spent another full day in ICU before a night on a ward as well. Other than these few brief details I do not know what else occurred and I don’t bring it up with my family to ask about it. I don’t want them to have to remember it so vividly and live through it again in their mind.

It feels like that was a lifetime ago, that it was a different person. I’ve been in somewhat bad and suicidal places since, but nothing as severe as how suicidal I was before that attempt and haven’t had any plans since my attempt 5 years ago. Despite the continued pain and illness the past 5 years, I’m glad I survived and I don’t want to repeat that experience ever again. And yes there have been bad times since and lots of pain but I’ve had good times too, some happy times and time spent laughing. I like laughter and sarcasm and turning things into a joke, often this can actually help me cope. I have a great sense of humour and feel that if I didn’t have one, what would I have left? It’d be pretty god damn miserable if I couldn’t see the funny side to things and wasn’t able to laugh at myself and at things in life, which is how it has sometimes been in previous years.
I thought I may feel a bit weird or emotional today about it all, but actually I feel okay. I feel happy I’m still here and that luckily 5 years ago my attempt at taking my own life did not succeed.

Currently I feel very stable mental health wise to be honest. I did have a brief struggle earlier in the year with the whole failed ONS situation, but I’m doing much much better mentally now. Which was helped by changing back to my psychologist of 4 years after having a brief break where I had to see the headache psychologist after ONS surgery, which wasn’t right for me. I feel upbeat and positive, right now I feel like I’m fed up of being miserable as it doesn’t help. Which is a big achievement for me, especially given I’m actually very unwell at the moment. I’ve actually been in hospital the past 2 weeks. But despite the pain and being very sick I still feel positive, able to see the bright and funny side of things, to laugh and to joke. I’ve got an excellent team of doctors, I feel positive and optimistic about everything.  I will write more about it all soon, when everything is all sorted out. I’m in good spirits despite everything, which is pretty revolutionary for me.
However I really need to stop being in hospital on the 30th September. Three years out of the past 5 I have been,  last year was my ONS surgery – can you believe that was a year ago?! And now this year too, which is unrelated to my NDPH or my mental health.

 

P.S have majorly conquered my doctors appointment anxiety currently and am feeling very proud of myself about that.

 

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Living with guilt.

I live with a lot of guilt about what my condition has done to my family. People tell me all the time my family included that I shouldn’t feel guilty that it’s not my fault and they don’t want me to feel guilty. But ultimately it’s my fault as I’m the one who’s sick.

Me and my mum live in England, we moved back from Dubai a year ago when I started getting suicidal again and needed more help than people in Dubai could offer me ,as psychiatric health here is way behind in the times than England and other countries like the US. So we moved back as it wasn’t safe for me to be in Dubai with suicide being illegal and only just getting away with it once, and even then the police asked questions but somehow believed what I said in that it was an accident even though it was quite clear that it wasn’t.

My Dad and sister live in Dubai still, my Dad works here and prefers it here and my sister goes to school here doing her A levels. I constantly feel guilty about living in England with my Mum and my sister not having her. My Dad goes away fairly often for work as he has to for his job, my sister is 16 so is left home alone a fair bit having to fend for herself. So that I feel bad about also, that my Mum is with me and isn’t there to do the normal Mum things like cook dinner for my sister or do her washing etc etc, it’s the little things. I know there are a lot worse off people than my sister but I still feel bad about it.

My sister knows the right buttons to press to annoy me and she often makes comments about being home alone a lot and having to fend for herself. And it really makes me angry and upset, I feel guilty as if it weren’t for my health we would all be living together, so it’s my fault. Saying that my sister was offered to move back to England with us but chose to stay in Dubai. She often makes remarks about if she fails her first year of A levels she will move back to England and go to college there, but I think that would be a huge mistake and that knowing the type of person she is and what she’s like she would hate it, she finds it hard to make friends as it is, and she has friends in Dubai, but I think she would have real problems coming back to England and starting all over there.

I’m tired and fed up, all I want is to see my school counsellor on Sunday which I’m looking forward to and then I just want to go home back to England. Thankfully after that I only have one day left here and then I don’t have to come back till October. Don’t get me wrong I like seeing my sister and my Dad, but after a while I just want to go home, doesn’t help that my ‘friends’ are here and I have such a difficult time when I’m out with them that I don’t like going out with them which leaves me feeling very confused.

I feel guilty.

So I feel really guilty. My mum says I shouldn’t but I can’t help it. Me and my Mum have moved back to England from Dubai because of my health. My mental health was so bad it was unsafe for me to be in Dubai as suicide is illegal. I’ve already attempted once and ended up in the ICU with the police asking questions. We got away with it once but if it happened again we wouldn’t have and the penalty is jail for me if I survive and my Dad either way. So in April when I was getting bad again it was decided I needed to come back to England. My Dad and sister have decided to stay in Dubai, my Dad likes working there and doesn’t want to come back to London to work again and my sister wants to do her A levels out there. So they are staying there and me and my Mum in England.

I feel really guilty about the whole situation. My Mum says it’s not my fault and I shouldn’t feel guilty. But ultimately I’m the one who’s sick, I’m the reason we had to move back and split up my family.  Tonight at dinner my Mum me and my sister were talking, and my sister made a snide comment to my Mum saying ‘You should try being 15 and being practically alone at home’. My dad is away at work most of the time and has to travel for his job so it means my nearly 16 year old sister has to be home alone some of the time. She said she was fine with it. But I’m scared she resents me for it. This comment really upset my Mum and it made me feel bad because when it comes down to it it’s my fault and I feel guilty about it.

This illness has taken so much away from me and from my family. I didn’t ask to be sick, I can’t help it, but it’s still my fault.