It’s been a while, yet again.

I haven’t posted in a while, for a number of reasons, I had been doing okay and I decided I needed to take a break from blogging and focus on solely being okay. I did have a boyfriend but that ended unfortunately, I had, well have a job but the pain has been difficult. So much so that I have recently had to take quite a while off to try and recover from the horrific pain levels that it gives me. So is safe to say that it hasn’t been going great. Going to work with horrific pain levels is just awful, I sit at my desk feeling like my head is about to cave in, that my brain is being crushed or I am being stabbed in the head, and I just want the world swallow me up whole.

On a positive yet scary note I’m getting surgery soon, I don’t have a date yet but I have a psych evaluation and an appointment with the neurosurgeon next week and beyond that it will only be a matter of weeks till my surgery date; this is the ONS surgery I’ve been waiting 3 years for. I hope with all my heart that it works, it’s not a cure but it could be the next best thing. Obviously I am quite scared it won’t help and give me the relief it is meant to and that is playing on my mind a bit. I am scared of it working and what I will do my life if I am in less pain, and I am scared of it not working and me finding I can’t really do the job path I am currently in with this level of pain, which is proving to be quite difficult at the minute. What will I do then?

I’ve been quite lonely recently, it’s hard when you don’t really have any friends to talk to. Going through life with no friends is really quite difficult, I don’t know what I do wrong I don’t know why I find it so hard. But having no one is beyond horrible all I just want is one person to stick by me that’s my age and wants to be my friend. But there isn’t anyone and it tears me up inside and makes me feel like I’m just not worth being friends with, that no one likes me enough to stick by me, that maybe I’m just a horrible person. I just don’t have anyone, of course I have my family but that is really not the same. Is it too much to ask for to just have someone?!

I don’t want to give a time frame of when I will post next because that might not be the case, and I am sorry if I haven’t replied to comments or emails recently as I just haven’t checked them.I hope to post again soon and keep you updated with the surgery process.

So for now I will say bye, I hope to write again soon and I wish you all a low pain day.

 

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What have I been up to?

So this weekend I did something that has rather excited and inspired me. It had been booked for a while and I was looking forward to it. I went to Bristol (about 2 hours away from where I live in the UK) to the TAGB academy which is the Tae Kwon-Do association I am part of headquarters, for part 1 of my instructors qualification. It was a 2 day course from 9-5 each day, so a very long day a long with getting there each day also. However it was a fantastic weekend and I thoroughly enjoyed the course and left after day one feeling very inspired and excited about my future within Tae Kwon-Do. The course content was very interesting and we did some practical on Sunday as well, overall I learnt a lot and had a really great time. The pain was mostly okay whilst I was on the course however once I got home on Saturday night it was bad, but was a bit better by the morning for day 2, but bad again once I got home Sunday night. Though to be honest I didn’t really mind that the pain got bad because I had such a good time on the course that the extra pain was worth it.

I am now a qualified assistant instructor and am looking forward to hopefully taking part 2 in November to become a fully qualified instructor and able to open up my own Tae Kwon-Do school/club. I have to be invited back to take part 2 though, which involved me producing what is almost like a Tae Kwon-Do dissertation/business plan and sending that completed by October, so hopefully I will get onto part 2. At part 2 there is a written exam and a practical exam which I need to pass, but that shouldn’t be a problem. I have been teaching Tae Kwon-Do for years, I have quite a lot of experience teaching, I did a lot of teaching in Dubai on my own and do a heck of a lot at my club here, often entrusted to take full lessons on my own. I actually took last nights senior session on my own as my instructor was away, and everyone commented that it was a really good session, so I was very pleased with that.

I have a lot of hopes for my future within Tae Kwon-Do, should be taking my 2nd Dan grading in October, and hopefully part 2 of instructors in November. I also am hoping to maybe set up my own Tae Kwon-Do school if I pass part 2, so that could be in the works. I feel very inspired to do so after this weekend. Tae Kwon-Do training and teaching is a huge passion of mine, which you could probably guess. So to open my own school would be amazing and I feel very excited at all the prospects of becoming a qualified instructor.

Aside from Tae Kwon-Do, I have officially told college that I will not be returning next year, I went to see my course tutor yesterday and told her. She was understanding and said it was a shame they were losing me because I have been a very good student despite everything, however she said she knew how hard it had been for me. I felt a bit sad about it all again afterwards, it is frustrating because I know I am clever however education is not right for me and my condition at the minute. Going to focus on pain management and Tae Kwon-Do training for my 2nd Dan, have also applied for a couple of part time jobs. So will see what happens with that, if nothing comes of it I will probably just do some volunteering for a while. I need to do something, doing nothing but focusing on pain management will not be beneficial, I need to have some sort of purpose in life, something to get up for and somewhere to go.

Sometimes all it takes is a decision.

Shortly after the onset of my headache depression hit me hard, and I continued to suffer from severe depression for years. I couldn’t cope with the pain and the way it made me feel all the time; miserable, angry, bitter, lost, pretty much every negative feeling out there I was feeling it at full force. For a long time I coped with my pain through self-harm, it was my coping mechanism, however not a good one. After a while I just didn’t want to live anymore, I saw no future for myself but pain and misery, I didn’t think there was any other way, so I tried to kill myself and got close to succeeding.

It’s only been in the past year that ┬áhave discovered that there is another way, happiness can be found despite pain, my life can have meaning, I can achieve things and more importantly I can live despite pain and be okay with it. The path wasn’t easy, it had many bumps in the road and still does, but I believe the first step is making the decision you want to feel better. Because before I don’t think I really wanted to get better emotionally, it was easier to let the depression consume me but I didn’t know there was a way out.

The most successful therapy I’ve had has been ACT, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, geared towards pain management of the natural kind; no medications. It was a hard road and in the beginning it all sounded like nonsense, I thought it was stupid and impossible that anyone could accept their chronic pain, be okay despite pain and live a happy and full life despite pain. Eventually it was like a switch in my head had turned and I understood it and wanted to work towards accepting my pain and feeling better. That was the turning point for me, and I worked my ass off to get there. I will admit to falling off the wagon briefly, however that is because I decided to take on the world and had stopped all my pain management techniques. I eventually got back there though, all be it I needed a bit of help along the way.
Now feeling pretty okay again the majority of the time, have bad days now and again, the majority of which revolve around the pain being bad.

I may never recover from chronic pain, I will probably always have a headache, but that’s okay because I can cope, I can still achieve things and more importantly I can be happy despite pain.
Some days are bad, but most are good despite pain.

If you’re reading this and you suffer from chronic pain and you think I’m completely crazy and what I’m saying doesn’t sound possible. I want you to know that that’s okay, because I use to think it was crazy and impossible too. But I do want you to know that it’s not, it is possible, it is achievable, and I hope one day you may get to this place too, but I am always here for you whenever, through the good, the bad and the ugly.
Contact me on: iamtheneverendingheadache@gmail.com

Hope.

Hope is a hard thing to hold on to, especially if you have chronic pain/illness. It’s hard to hope for better times when you are in so much pain which never ends. You feel hopeless, you can’t picture what it would be like to not be in pain anymore and you can’t picture a future without pain. And that in itself is hard, you struggle to see the point in living when all your life seems to consist of is more pain and misery because of the pain, so you start thinking that what is the point in going on.

You try treatment after treatment to try and ease your pain, each treatment comes with the hope that maybe it will help, but then it doesn’t and you are left feeling even more disappointed and hopeless. You try not to hope too much that a treatment will help because you don’t want to be left feeling disappointed, but there is always the possibility when trying something new that it could help, so you really can’t win.

I have spent a long time feeling hopeless, feeling miserable because I will probably always be in pain and feeling like I don’t want to live if I’m always going to be in pain. But there is a life with chronic pain that can still be a good one, yes you may always be in pain and yes that sucks and is horrible but I’ve realised that I can still try to live a good life despite pain. I have come to accept the fact that I will probably be in pain for the rest of my life, even if I get surgery it won’t get rid of the pain completely. And you know what, I’m starting to feel okay with that, yes it’s not the ideal life living with pain, and there are times still when I’m in so much pain I still want to die at that point in time, but that blows over when the pain slightly eases. But I have a lot more hope now, I feel like I actually have a future and that I can still live a good life even with pain.

If you are struggling with chronic pain and the depression that often comes with it, I want you to know that it is possible to live despite pain. If you are doubting that I want you to know that I never thought it was possible either and it’s been a long road to get where I am now, but I feel better emotionally than I have in years and more like myself than I have in years. I now have hope for the future instead of feeling hopeless all the time.