5 years ago…

5 year ago today (30th September – is actually the 1st October now as I publish, oops!)  I was rushed to the hospital after a very large overdose. I was done, couldn’t do it anymore, I didn’t want to live in pain for the rest of my life, I just wanted it all to be over. It was a large overdose and I had a lot of other medications in my system too as they were my regular meds. I don’t know how long it was between taking the meds and falling unconscious, but I don’t think it was long. Most of the rest is a complete blur, my family found me, I don’t know how soon after it happened but I was in a bad way. They didn’t want to wait for an ambulance as often ambulances there would take forever to turn up, so they carried me down the stairs and into the back of the car. My Dad ran every red light to get to the hospital as fast as possible, my mum was sat in the back slapping my face to try and keep me awake. All I remember is being slapped and me telling her a few times to ‘fuck off and let me die’ before slipping unconscious again. From here I don’t remember much more just a couple of brief flashes in and out of consciousness. My t-shirt being ripped open in A&E, a porter praying over me in the elevator, a catheter being inserted. They put a tube down my nose for activated charcoal but don’t remember that bit at all. I was unconscious in the ICU for quite a while before I finally came to late the next day I think and then I spent another full day in ICU before a night on a ward as well. Other than these few brief details I do not know what else occurred and I don’t bring it up with my family to ask about it. I don’t want them to have to remember it so vividly and live through it again in their mind.

It feels like that was a lifetime ago, that it was a different person. I’ve been in somewhat bad and suicidal places since, but nothing as severe as how suicidal I was before that attempt and haven’t had any plans since my attempt 5 years ago. Despite the continued pain and illness the past 5 years, I’m glad I survived and I don’t want to repeat that experience ever again. And yes there have been bad times since and lots of pain but I’ve had good times too, some happy times and time spent laughing. I like laughter and sarcasm and turning things into a joke, often this can actually help me cope. I have a great sense of humour and feel that if I didn’t have one, what would I have left? It’d be pretty god damn miserable if I couldn’t see the funny side to things and wasn’t able to laugh at myself and at things in life, which is how it has sometimes been in previous years.
I thought I may feel a bit weird or emotional today about it all, but actually I feel okay. I feel happy I’m still here and that luckily 5 years ago my attempt at taking my own life did not succeed.

Currently I feel very stable mental health wise to be honest. I did have a brief struggle earlier in the year with the whole failed ONS situation, but I’m doing much much better mentally now. Which was helped by changing back to my psychologist of 4 years after having a brief break where I had to see the headache psychologist after ONS surgery, which wasn’t right for me. I feel upbeat and positive, right now I feel like I’m fed up of being miserable as it doesn’t help. Which is a big achievement for me, especially given I’m actually very unwell at the moment. I’ve actually been in hospital the past 2 weeks. But despite the pain and being very sick I still feel positive, able to see the bright and funny side of things, to laugh and to joke. I’ve got an excellent team of doctors, I feel positive and optimistic about everything.  I will write more about it all soon, when everything is all sorted out. I’m in good spirits despite everything, which is pretty revolutionary for me.
However I really need to stop being in hospital on the 30th September. Three years out of the past 5 I have been,  last year was my ONS surgery – can you believe that was a year ago?! And now this year too, which is unrelated to my NDPH or my mental health.

 

P.S have majorly conquered my doctors appointment anxiety currently and am feeling very proud of myself about that.

 

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Why exercise is my most important pain management tool.

Exercise is my escape, escape from my thoughts and the pain in my head. I know a lot of people with chronic pain and illness are unable to exercise but for me it’s one of the things that keeps me going.
My main source of exercise is Tae Kwon-Do, I’m a 2nd Dan black belt and qualified instructor, when I’m training or helping out in our club teaching it’s the best relief I get from the pain, it’s still there but I’m so distracted by what I’m doing that the pain isn’t at the front of my mind. I also don’t really have to concentrate to do Tae Kwon-Do, I’ve been doing it for 15 years it’s now so natural that it just automatically flows out of me so I don’t even really need to think or concentrate on what I’m doing. It’s a complete escape and the best and only relief I get. However afterwards my pain is often worse but I usually train in the evenings so mostly I go to bed shortly after getting home. Although often it is worse afterwards, it doesn’t put me off training because of how free I feel whilst I’m doing it, so the worse pain after is worth it for some partial relief. I do also go to the gym which also helps, not quite as good as Tae Kwon-Do but works on a similar principle.

Tae Kwon-Do also saved my life, it gave me a focus and it helped prevent me from self-harming as there was no way I could do both. Tae Kwon-Do means a lot to me and so do the lovely people I train with. When I enter the Dojang (training hall) I cast aside how depressed I’m feeling and I immerse myself into Tae Kwon-Do, it’s almost like a type of therapy for me. When I train it’s the one time of the day I feel happy and free, TKD is a main thing that keeps me going and gets me through the day.

I have a  10 year goal, I want to be a 5th Dan Master by the time I’m 33, that is the quickest time frame possible to do it in and there is 3 more gradings to go to get there with a waiting/training period that increases with each grading. I have to take every grading on time and pass first time to reach my goal and I will reach it, I will not let myself fail. I work hard when I train to be the best I can possibly be, teaching also helps me improve and the gym helps me gain more strength and endurance in order to improve my technique.

I know now for most people with chronic pain or illness exercising is near impossible, and I know I am lucky in that I am able to. And don’t get me wrong there are time when exercising is impossible for me too, if the pain is already really really bad there is no way I can go to Tae Kwon-Do or the gym. But when I am able to, boy does it help me feel better. Without Tae Kwon-Do I would be even more depressed than I already am, TKD keeps me going and keeps me sane.

 

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It’s been 3 years…

Today marks 3 years since the suicide attempt that nearly killed me. It was my third attempt that week, though the first two were more like practice runs to gauge how much medication I needed to take. I had prepared for that day for months, I had spent hours on a suicide note, wanting my last words to be exactly right, everything was ready and I was ready to die.

My memory of it is fuzzy, I remember only brief flashbacks. I don’t even remember getting all the medication out the packet and taking it, the first thing I remember is being slapped in the face in the car by my mum to try and keep me awake on the way to the hospital. I remember a Muslim porter at the hospital praying over me in the lift as I was taken to intensive care. And the next thing I remember is waking up to see my school counsellor at my bedside, the first thing I said to her with tears streaming down my face was ‘why am I alive?’

The pain had pushed me to the edge and then it pushed me off, I felt like there was no other way out, I felt like I had no choice. If I wanted to get rid of the pain my only option was to die and that seemed like the best option for me.

Since that day 3 years ago it hasn’t been easy, I try to keep my head above the water however sometimes I start to drown in the negativity I am so prone to. Though there has been periods of time since moving back to England 2 and a half years ago that I have felt mostly okay despite pain, that I have felt happy despite pain, that I have felt able to cope. So I know it is possible and I just have to keep working on it constantly and try not to drown in darkness that is sometimes oh so comfortable.

My journey with my never ending headache has been hard it’s been over 5 and a half years now and it’s unlikely that I will get better. But I have survived this far and I don’t want my headache to win, because I know I can be happy despite it so I will keep fighting for that.

I will leave you with my favourite quote which helps ground me on bad days:
On particularly rough days when I am sure I can’t possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100%, and that’s pretty good.