At doctors appointments I turn into a anxious, rambling, waffly mess who probably makes little sense. Which isn’t helped by the fact I’m always in a lot of pain and even more unwell at the minute. I come away from appointments often feeling frustrated at myself for getting so anxious and not being able to convey things properly. This then makes my anxiety at subsequent appointments even worse because I’m worrying about how to try and not be as anxious as last time, which makes the levels rise even more. I find that I’ve got so much in my head that I want to say and that I’ve over thought about, that nothing comes out in the way I intended it to and I fail to explain things or discuss things I’d like to. My doctors probably think I’m an idiot, which is actually very far from the case. I’m actually pretty clever and I like to learn as much as my health allows, which believe me isn’t as much as I’d like, but I am a very well informed patient.
Believe it or not I’m actually quite a level headed person, I’m very good at advice, seeing two sides of things, well reasoned and good at not looking at problems as completely black and white. I’m incredibly understanding and will pretty much do anything to help anyone if I can. I am all this for everyone and anyone, other than myself who I seemingly like to give a hard time and I just end up beating myself up about things.
I think some of my issues with anxiety in appointments stem from me finding it hard to talk about things in person, to be completely open with people about how bad my health is, how much pain I’m in and how I’m feeling emotionally, I mask it probably about 98% of the time as I feel I have to. I also have a wall up with doctors, even with doctors who I’ve seen for a very long time and really do trust and like. I don’t like admitting how bad I’m suffering and how bad the pain actually is, I’m really not a complainer and I don’t like to bother people when most of the time they actually can’t help much anyway, which is no ones fault just the way it is. And above all my irrational fear of being seen as weak, and yes I’m very aware that it is completely irrational, and not how people I know see me. But I don’t know how to break down this wall I have seemingly created.
Then there’s the abandonment fear and the fear of dismissal even with medical professionals that I really like and completely trust and who have never made me feel like that the entire time I’ve been with them. But yet I still have this stupid fear that I know is unnecessary. When my headache first started I had about a year and a half of constant dismissal, lack of understanding, and next to no help from specialists for both my headache and POTS symptoms in Dubai and a few in London too. Before a doctor who was actually okay but just didn’t have enough expertise in my problems so he sent me to two of the most lovely and fantastic doctors, one of which I still see regularly. But that period of time being dismissed by doctors I feel still affects my anxiety, even when my current doctors do not give me any reason to feel like that.
I speak to a lot of people who have NDPH or other chronic illnesses that I’ve become friends with, speaking to me online, on the phone or in person I am very very far from a anxious, rambling, waffly mess. My doctors would probably think it was a completely different person, but that’s me without crippling anxiety, which is actually how I am the majority of the time. I am far better at conveying things in writing than in person where my unnecessary anxiety has the opportunity to strike and ruin everything, which only really happens in doctors appointments and not in general everyday life. But I don’t feel that writing things down I want to discuss and giving them that in my appointment is the solution for me.
I’m very aware of my problems, however I haven’t quite figured out how to address this issue in order to decrease my doctors appointment anxiety and therefore have a more productive and open appointment with my specialists. But I will continue to try to figure it out.